How to Keep a Woman Happy
It's not difficult?
All you have to do is to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A gynecologist
15. A psychologist
16. A pest exterminator
17. A psychiatrist
18. A healer
19. A good listener
20. An organizer
21. A good father
22. Very clean
23. Sympathetic
24. Athletic
25. Warm
26. Attentive
27. Gallant
28. Intelligent
29. Funny
30. Creative
31. Tender
32. Strong
33. Understanding
34. Tolerant
35. Prudent
36. Ambitious
37. Capable
38. Courageous
39. Determined
40. True
41. Dependable
42. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
43. Give her compliments regularly
44. Love shopping
45. Be honest
46. Be very rich
47. Not stress her out
48. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
49. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
50. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
51. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT NOT TO FORGET:
52. Birthdays
53. Anniversaries
54. Arrangements she makes
Just merely 54 demands ... :-)
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :
1. Leave him in peace
2. Feed him well.
3. Let him have the remote control.
Oh my god 3 demands ... :-(
Men.... What a demanding creature!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sardar Jokes
Santa Singh is travelling on a flight from Bombay to Sydney. As
the flight is approaching towards Sydney, the captain makes a customary
announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching Sydney and at the
moment we are at their outskirts" Santa promptly calls the air-hostess and
cheekily asks her "Axe-cuse me madam, when will we get inside the skirts?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sardar was given the job of painting the
white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles;
the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.When the foreman asked the
Sardar why he kept painting less each day,he replied "I just can't do any
better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he
gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the
station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the
sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber
quietly shaved off his beard.When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken
up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly
screamed when he saw the mirror.Said his wife "What's the matter? "
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees
and woken up someone else"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AjTak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train
accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: Oh Dont ask about it....All were right as long as all were waitng in the
platform for the train ....Then came the anouncement that "Sathapthee Express
will arrive on Platform number 2"...when everyone heard that train is coming in
PLATFORM ...everyone ran to the rails to save their lives....
And the train arrived in the rails !!!
Aaj tak: Thank god. You thought well and didnt go to the rails....
Sardar: Oh no.. I was in the rails for commiting suicide and after the
announcement I came to the platform
the flight is approaching towards Sydney, the captain makes a customary
announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching Sydney and at the
moment we are at their outskirts" Santa promptly calls the air-hostess and
cheekily asks her "Axe-cuse me madam, when will we get inside the skirts?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sardar was given the job of painting the
white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles;
the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.When the foreman asked the
Sardar why he kept painting less each day,he replied "I just can't do any
better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he
gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the
station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the
sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber
quietly shaved off his beard.When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken
up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly
screamed when he saw the mirror.Said his wife "What's the matter? "
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees
and woken up someone else"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AjTak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train
accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: Oh Dont ask about it....All were right as long as all were waitng in the
platform for the train ....Then came the anouncement that "Sathapthee Express
will arrive on Platform number 2"...when everyone heard that train is coming in
PLATFORM ...everyone ran to the rails to save their lives....
And the train arrived in the rails !!!
Aaj tak: Thank god. You thought well and didnt go to the rails....
Sardar: Oh no.. I was in the rails for commiting suicide and after the
announcement I came to the platform
A letter to Support Team
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
" A Troubled User "
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User :
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear " to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
" A Troubled User "
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User :
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear " to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
MEDICAL LAW:
First-year students at Medical College were receiving their first Anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When
everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked
on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
ROOT CAUSE ANALYSIS....
here is a good joke on the above sub. many times we get deviated from
the real cause of the problem n end up into mess... learn something from
this doc.
***********************************************
An old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've
farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor, " she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent --
stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing...."
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When
everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked
on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
ROOT CAUSE ANALYSIS....
here is a good joke on the above sub. many times we get deviated from
the real cause of the problem n end up into mess... learn something from
this doc.
***********************************************
An old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've
farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor, " she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent --
stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing...."
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Enthusiastic Salesman
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady
**********
MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project...!!!
**********
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady
**********
MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project...!!!
**********
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Letter for Salary Increase
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo $t de $ perately. I think you $ hould be under $ tanding of the need $ of your worker $ who have given $ o much $upport including $ weat and $ ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $ oon .
$ incerely Your $,
Marian $ hih
----------------------------------------------------
The next day, the employee received a nice reply like this :
Dear Marian
I k NOw what you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NO thing much has changed. You must have NO ticed that our company is NO t doing NO ticeably well as yet .
NO w the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NO mists are NO t sure if the United States may go into a NO ther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad .
I have NO thing more to add NO w. You kNO w what I mean
Yours truly,
Manager
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo $t de $ perately. I think you $ hould be under $ tanding of the need $ of your worker $ who have given $ o much $upport including $ weat and $ ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $ oon .
$ incerely Your $,
Marian $ hih
----------------------------------------------------
The next day, the employee received a nice reply like this :
Dear Marian
I k NOw what you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NO thing much has changed. You must have NO ticed that our company is NO t doing NO ticeably well as yet .
NO w the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NO mists are NO t sure if the United States may go into a NO ther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad .
I have NO thing more to add NO w. You kNO w what I mean
Yours truly,
Manager
Sunday, April 15, 2007
If you find it very boring in the office...
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and Immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your Mail?) And read them there, and note down the time they take to reach There. Then do vice versa.....!!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to Irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-press ions while working and try changing your ex-press ions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking Silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore Them. Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he Was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a Nap.
And if you are still getting bored.........................then
22. Fwd this to everyone u know....
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and Immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your Mail?) And read them there, and note down the time they take to reach There. Then do vice versa.....!!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to Irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-press ions while working and try changing your ex-press ions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking Silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore Them. Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he Was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a Nap.
And if you are still getting bored.........................then
22. Fwd this to everyone u know....
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Touching Story: The Language of Love
From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.
Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"
As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.
After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"
The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.
The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.
One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......
The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.
During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.
With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....
The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.
With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.
A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.
When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.
Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"
As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.
After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"
The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.
The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.
One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......
The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.
During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.
With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....
The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.
With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.
A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.
When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Interesting
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask f I can take this train to KualaLumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
***
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
***
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
***
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
***
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
***
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order.order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
***
'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'
***
Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.
***
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
***
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.
***
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
***
Friend 1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.
***
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said
'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
***
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said,
"Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
***
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask f I can take this train to KualaLumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
***
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
***
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
***
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
***
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
***
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order.order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
***
'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'
***
Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.
***
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
***
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.
***
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
***
Friend 1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.
***
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said
'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
***
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said,
"Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
***
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