Interesting

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask f I can take this train to KualaLumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

***

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

***

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

***

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

***

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

***

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

***

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order.order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

***

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'

***

Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.

***

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

***

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.

***

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

***

Friend 1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.

***

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said
'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

***

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

***

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

***

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said,
"Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

***

Crorepati

Are YOU sure?

Santa Singh is the aggresive participant on Kaun Banega..
Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal:
Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D: Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!

How To Catch A Lion

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.

Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.

Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane, which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

The Banta singh's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.

Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Funny thoughts

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual freetrip around the Sun.

Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep !

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends

Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop

A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts
"Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there?"
The guy replies "Let the zebra cross. What can I do!!"

Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING

A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.

Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids.

I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Yes. Meow.


Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.

Nobody

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked anybody.

Duck Joke

Three teenaged boys (Jason, Brian, Carl), were walking along one night on the town. They turned down a dark alley and after a few feet the boys heard a loud "squish" and a painful "quack". The boys looked around and finally Carl looked under his feet and saw he had stepped on a duck. Then out from behind a trash can, an old elderly voodoo lady came out and yelled a voodoo chant that they could not understand. The boys looked at each other in confusement and asked the lady what she said. She just said she had placed a cursed on them. The boys then ran off in fright.

A week later, Carl and Jason were walking along and turned a corner seeing Brian kissing the most ugly, disgusting girl they had ever seen. The two of them shouted "What are you doing Brian?!?!?!?" He turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". The two didn't say anything and walked off to leave his friend and his newly found love alone.

Another week later, Carl and Brian were walking and turned a corner and saw Jason, kissing the most ugly and disgusting girl they had ever seen. The both of them shouted, "Hey, what are you doin Jason?!!?!?!". Jason turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". Carl then began to catch to what this "curse" was all about.

A month went bye and nothing happened. Then one day, Jason and Brian were walking along and turned a corner and saw Carl kissing the most beautiful girl they had ever laid their eyes on. They started shouting, "Yeah Carl! Way to go you stud!". Then the girl turned her head and said, "I stepped on a duck!"

Bear Chase

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy?
You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about.
The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Detectives

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one Jewish, and one Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question.
He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder"

An interesting Sentence

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.

Aching Tooth

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

3 Engineers in a car

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

An Engineering Story

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the

wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the

bolts.

Interviewer: How do y! ou start a synchronous mo! tor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |---, OK. DC comes straight, like this ----------,

and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"

Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transformer that is put in the x-udment or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that i! s installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"


**TOP FACTS ABOUT ENGINEERS**

Engineers at work: Assignments solved by one and then carry out mass transfer operations

throughout the class.
The most important machine for Engineers: Xerox Machine (Without which assignment Completion

couldn't be possible)
Engineers Anthem: Hum hoge all clear Ek din, Mann me hai vishwas, pura hai vishwas, hum hoge all

clear ek din.
Top two Engineering Rumours:! Did you hear the results are being put up today at 5:30pm' ... 'Did

you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks..
The most dreaded acronym for Engineers: ATKT ( After Trying Keep Trying)
Common Engineering Dialogues after a paper: 'What is this pal, 60% of the paper was out of the

syllabus'. 'This was the worst paper set in the entire engineering history'. 'I am failing'.


_____________________________________deakrep@rediffmail.com

Got two minutes??

Two Minutes Management Course
Lesson 1:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson? - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very. very high up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?",
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked
at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach
the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson? - Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him.
Management Lesson? -

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your 2 minute management course now get back to work..

__________________________________deakrep@rediffmail.com

Indian Men

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got
stranded on a
beautiful deserted island
in the middle of nowhere:

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island, the
following was
observed:

A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.

B. The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they
alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the
Greek woman is
cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless
ocean and a long
look at the Polish woman,
and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other
men on the island
trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part
of the island
into Northern and Southern parts,
and by setting up a distillery. They do not
remember the Irish
woman because it gets sort of foggy
after the first few liters of coconut whiskey but
at least the
English are not getting any.

H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The
American woman
is bitching about her
body being her own, the true nature of feminism,
how she can do
everything that they can do,
the equal division of the household chores.......

I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to
introduce them to the Indian woman.
__________________________________deakrep@rediffmail.com

Linux

Try this out in Linux....

List of some "funny" responses from Linux when you mis-enter "appropriate"

$ cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

$ nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

$ rm God
rm: God nonexistent

$ ar t God
ar: God does not exist

$ ar r God
ar: creating God

$ make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

$ sleep with me
bad character

$ got a light?
No match.

$ man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

$ !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

____________________________________deakrep@rediffmail.com

Communication Gap

From
Managing Director

To
Production Director

"Tommorrow there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock. This is something that we cannot see happen everyday, so let the work force line up outside, in their best clothes, to watch it. To mark this occation of this rare occurance, I'll personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining, we shall not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

***


From
Production Director

To
Production Manager

"By order of the Managing Director, there'll be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tommorrow morning. If it is raining, we shall not be able to see it very well on site, in our best clothes. In that case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is somehing we cannot see happen everyday."

***


From
Production Manager

To
Departmental Manager

"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow through in our best clothes, the disappearance of the sun in the canteen tommorrow at nine o' clock. The managing director will tell us whether it's going to rain or not. This is something that we cannot see happen everyday."

***


From
Departmental Manager

To
Foreman

"It is raining in the canteen tommorrow morning, which is something which we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing Director at his best clothes will disappear at nine o' clock".

***


From
Foreman

To
All Operators

" Tommorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we cannot see this happen everyday."

__________________________________deakrep@rediffmail.com